INTEROFFICE MEMO

• TO:__________________ALL EMPLOYEES
  
• FROM:_______________THE MANAGEMENT
  
• DATE:________________FEBRUARY 2, 1998
  
• SUBJECT:_____________REVISED RETIREMENT PLAN FOR ALL EMPLOYEES

AS A RESULT OF THE REDUCTION OF MONEY BUDGETED FOR DEPARTMENT AREAS, WE ARE FORCED TO CUT DOWN ON THE NUMBER OF PERSONNEL.

UNDER THIS PLAN, OLDER EMPLOYEES WILL BE ASKED TO GO ON EARLY RETIREMENT, THUS PERMITTING THE RETENTION OF THE YOUNGER PEOPLE WHO REPRESENT OUR FUTURE.

THEREFORE, A PROGRAM TO PHASE OUT THE OLDER PERSONNEL BY THE END OF THE CURRENT PHYSICAL YEAR, VIA RETIREMENT, WILL BE PLACED INTO EFFECT IMMEDIATELY. THIS PROGRAM WILL BE KNOWN AS RAPE(RETIRED AGED PERSONNEL EARLY).

EMPLOYEES WHO ARE RAPED WILL BE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK FOR OTHER JOBS OUTSIDE THE COMPANY IMMEDIATELY. THEY CAN REQUEST A REVIEW OF THEIR EMPLOYMENT RECORDS BEFORE ACTUAL RETIREMENT TAKES PLACE. THIS PHASE OF OPERATION WILL BE CALLED SCREW(SURVEY OF CAPABILITIES OF RETIRED WORKERS).

ALL EMPLOYEES WHO HAVE BEEN RAPED OR SCREWED MAY FILE AN APPEAL WITH UPPER MANAGEMENT. THIS PHASE IS CALLED SHAFT(STUDY BY HIGHER AUTHORITY FOLLOWING TERMINATION). UNDER TERMS OF THIS NEW POLICY, AN EMPLOYEE MAY BE RAPED ONCE, SCREWED TWICE, BUT HE MAY BE SHAFTED AS MANY TIMES AS THE COMPANY DEAMS APPROPRIATE.

IF AN EMPLOYEE FOLLOWS THE ABOVE PROCEDURES, HE OR SHE WILL BE ENTITLED TO GET HERPES(HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONEL'S EARLY SEVERANCE), OR CLAP (COMBINED LUMP-SUM ASSITANCE PROGRAM), UNLESS HE OR SHE ALREADY HAS AIDS (ADDITIONAL INCOME FROM DEPENDENTS OR SPOUSE). AS HERPES AND CLAP ARE CONSIDERED BENEFIT PLANS, ANY EMPLOYEE WHO HAS RECEIVED HERPES OR CLAP WILL NO LONGER BE RAPED OR SCREWED BY THE COMPANY.

THE MANAGEMENT ALSO WISHES TO ASSURE THE YOUNGER EMPLOYEES WHO REMAIN ON BOARD, THAT THE COMPANY WILL CONTINUE ITS POLICY TO ASSURE THAT EMPLOYEES ARE WELL TRAINED THROUGH OUR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(S.H.I.T.). THE COMPANY TAKES PRIDE IN THE AMOUNT OF SHIT ITS EMPLOYEES RECEIVE. IN FACT, ITS EMPLOYEES HAVE BEEN GIVEN MORE SHIT THAN ANY OTHER COMPANY IN THE AREA. IF AN EMPLOYEE FEELS THAT HE OR SHE DOES NOT RECEIVE ENOUGH SHIT ON THE JOB, SEE YOUR IMMEDIATE SUPERVISOR. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND!